Alright, enough with the teasing already, you're great at writing, just
summarize the top 100 idiotic things your guests have done and post them
here.

You will make the world a better place.

Well, Jav, I don't know about that. Sometimes we're better off, living in a
dream-world where we believe that manners are the norm, people treat one
another respect, and guests act like gentlemen and ladies. Personally, I
would never have dreamed what some people do in hotels. Here are just a few
general examples of crazy things we've seen in our first three years.

1. Pets
We've had guests allow their animals to defecate and urinate wherever and
whenever they wanted in our "pet-friendly" suites. This has happened with
cats, dogs, birds, and ferrets. (Yes, ferrets.)

Mary and I are "dog-people" and love pets. We went down the "pet-friendly"
route partially because of recommendations from pilots on this newsgroup,
who claimed to "demand" that their pets be treated like guests in fine
hotels. Because of the bitter lessons we've learned with allowing pets in
our hotel, we have (a) spent thousands in new flooring, cleaning and
repairs, and (b) are phasing out our pet-friendly policy.

It's just sad what some pet owners will do. We charge a whopping $10 per
night for a pet to stay in the hotel -- a bargain, considering the thousands
of dollars in damage a single cat can do -- but have witnessed otherwise
upstanding guests go to extreme lengths to avoid paying this nominal fee.

For example, we don't allow pets in the aviation theme suites -- and have
this policy posted prominently on the doors and in the lobby -- yet we
occasionally catch idiots sneaking a dog or cat into a theme suite. The
best one happened just last month when I was shoveling the balconies, and
found yellow snow and dog crap all over the 2nd floor balcony. All I had to
do was follow the dog's footprints back to their balcony door, and bust
them. (I summarily threw the guests out, without a refund, by the way.
GOD, I was ****ed.)

2. Smokers
Pets are second only to smokers when it comes to damage and destruction in
our hotel. We've had holes burned in thousand-dollar leather couches, $250
dollar end-tables, and wall-to-wall carpeting. They make the place smell
like ****, and -- strangely enough -- demand that their suites don't smell
like cigarettes when *they* check in. This phenomenon would be really quite
amusing, if I didn't have to deal with it.

They also flip their butts EVERYWHERE on the grounds, creating a disgusting
mess everywhere they go. Again, as with pets, we are phasing out "smoking
permitted" suites -- which will, of course, simply drive the smokers to
smoke in our non-smoking suites. (This carries with it a $100 fine, which
we have only had to charge once in three years. You should have seen Mary
go AFTER those people! :-)

And to think I used to smoke, back when we first met... (Quit in '86...never
looked back.)

3. Rose Petals
Remember the movie "American Beauty"? Remember the scene with the blonde
laying in a bed of rose petals? Well, this scene apparently struck a chord
with a certain age-group, and we regularly find suites that are practically
wall-to-wall rose petals.

Ever try vacuuming up ten billion rose petals?

4. Candles. Despite the fact that hundreds of people die in fires started
by candles each year, there is a certain sub-set of humanity who believe
that they are romantic. There is an even smaller subset who think it's
cool to ring their hot tub with candles, and allow the hot wax to run down
onto (and into) the hot tub.

Ever tried to remove candle wax from a $4000 Jacuzzi?

5. Towel-Trashers
We have surprisingly few towels stolen. We have an AMAZING number of towels
trashed by people who apparently think that heavy cotton towels are perfect
for checking their oil. Or polishing their shoes. Or removing eye make-up.
Or (this was the best one) wrapping their newly died hair (red, no less!)
in.

We even started putting dark green hand towels in the bathrooms,
specifically labeled as "make-up towels", in hopes of minimizing the loss --
to no avail. We check towels after each guest checks out, and make a
regular habit of charging the crooks for each destroyed towel. (I will even
mail them to the guest, if they want, so at least they get something out of
it. The towels are still usually just fine, for home use.)

6. Toilet Fillers.
People apparently think that hotel toilets are somehow different than their
home toilets. In fact, they seem to think that they are the plumbing
equivalent of "Black Holes", given what they routinely flush down them.

What I especially like is the way some of these folks take on a horrified,
aghast attitude, as if the fact that their toilet backed up after THEY tried
to flush a friggin' pillow down it was somehow a bad reflection on US.

7. Price Scammers
This has only happened a couple of times, but the first time cost us over
$800. A couple stayed with us for almost a week, ordering room service and
running up a goodly bill. Because they had pre-authorized their stay on
their Visa card by phone, we never physically swiped the card through our
machine. (This was the approved procedure for our credit card handling
company at the time.) We DID run separate charge slips for each purchase (I
believe there were 8 separate charges), and had the guests sign each
receipt.

At the end of their stay they simply went home, claimed their credit card
had been stolen, and that they had never stayed at our hotel. Visa
INSTANTLY charged us back the $800, and -- because we never physically ran
the card through our machine -- refused to honor any of their charges.
(Additionally, Visa actually charged us $15 "transaction fee" for EACH
chargeback -- all eight of them.)

Needless to say, we changed our credit card handling procedures, and threw
our credit card handling company out. (We've since gone through three more
of these parasites. They ALL suck.)

8. Upgrade Scammers
These are primarily travel agents. They will make an on-line booking for
their client in one of our cheapest suites -- which are on the third floor,
and we don't have elevators. This fact is clearly labeled on everything any
travel agent has access to.

Their client will then show up, and turn out to be elderly or handicapped in
some way, meaning that they clearly can't climb steps. They will then
expect us to put them in a ground floor suite for the same price, even
though the ground floor suites are 50% larger and have hot tubs.

Another variation on this scam is when a guest goes to our website, books
our cheapest smoking-permitted suite, and then writes in that they want
NON-smoking in the comments section. Because of occupancy this is often not
possible without upgrading to a larger, more pricey suite, but (of course)
they will try to get upgraded without paying anything extra.

9. Fence Climbers.
This is a summer time problem, when we close the pool at sundown, and some
young folks decide that THEY want to swim all night. I've replaced several
fence boards that broke when one of these alcohol-fueled dolts tried to
scale the wall. And I'll bet there have been more than a few slivers found
in various parts of their anatomy!

10. Balcony Climbers
This is by far the dumbest guest trick of them all. We have two 3-story
buildings. Each floor has a full-length balcony. Beneath these balconies
are either (a) other balconies, or (b) concrete. It would be quite a fall.

On two occasions (both U of Iowa home football game weekends, not
surprisingly) we have received calls from guests who freaked out when they
saw someone climbing up onto their balcony from the balcony below, like
Spiderman! One slip and these alcohol-fueled morons would be an ink splot
on the ground, below -- but, hey, they're young and think they'll live
forever!

This list could go on, but it's getting late.

Let you think we regret opening the inn, let me say that nothing could be
farther from the truth. Suffice it to say that (a) the vast majority of
our guests are wonderful, and (b) we have NEVER had any problem with ANY
pilot guest. And the problems we *have* had are relatively rare, minor,
and often amusing.
--
Jay Honeck
Iowa City, IA
Pathfinder N56993
www.AlexisParkInn.com
"Your Aviation Destination"