CWO4 Dave Mann wrote:

Bob ^,,^ - who "experienced" his first colonoscopy yesterday, and -
at least for a short while, anyway - is not as full of **** as
usual. Don't fret, I'll be back to normal soon enough...

"Did someone say "Colonoscopy"??

Here's my report as posted a couple of years ago to the alt.war.vietnam
group for mutual enjoyment and introspection.




‎Hello Friends!

‎I thought I would give you a complete Colonoscopy Report. I had a
regular
‎physical appointment some months back and the Doctor noted I have
never had
‎a Colonoscopy. He said at age 61 I ought to have one. Especially
since I have
‎ a documented extensive exposure to Agent Orange over in "veet-nam"

‎I went on a liquid clear diet 48 hours in advance. I called and
found out
‎that "carbonated beverages" and Popsicles are OK. Beer is a carbonated
‎beverage, need I say more?

‎I received the instructions and a large gallon jug by mail. The jug
was a
‎powder used as a clean-out solution. I started two days ahead of the
‎appointment. The clean-out solution doesn't actually taste like
anything
‎-- it is mixed it with water in the jug and then refrigerated. I
drank a
‎glass of it every 10 minutes, took a couple slugs of Budweiser and then
‎went to sit on the throne.

‎By the evening prior to the 0930 appointment I was completely cleaned
out
‎and nothing but a clear liquid was passed.

‎I arrived at the Nashville VAMC (Veterans Affairs Medical Center) at
0830
‎accompanied by my aide'd'camp, the driver, and the usual security
‎operatives who cleared the parking garage of any alien life forms who
may
‎have been lurking to take me back for retraining.

‎The GI clinic waiting area was relatively quiet for the VA, with only
three
‎TV sets turned on; one with the Springer Show featuring strange people
‎shouting and hitting, one with some reality show of wheelchair-confined
‎lesbians playing freeway chicken with gay truckers, and the last channel
‎set to the local country music channel where men wearing large hats
crooned
‎about lost loves and various injustices suffered at the hands of gals
with big ‎hair-doos. Unlike the VA emergency room, there were no
screams of the injured,
‎no gargling guttural death rattles, no speaking in tongues by
unmedicated bi-polars
‎and skitzos, no leaking colostomy bags with gurney pushers slipping,
sliding and
‎cursing as they glissando through the noisome messes.
‎As a "service connected - combat rated disabled veteran" I get almost
free
‎medical care, so I am not complaining.

‎ The appointment was for 0930 and at 0933 a nurse came forth and
called in a stentorian voice:
‎"David Edwin Mann" -- yikes! my name. She had my aide'd'camp sign
and attest that he would
‎ be attending and remain in the exam waiting area. She then took me
to the exam room.
‎The examining doctor was a Vanderbilt University Medical School
‎professor, who was accompanied by a couple of students from the medical
‎school. The other MD was the chief of the GI department at the VAMC.
‎Pretty high class help for some old broke-down soldier.

‎The doctor and nurse came in and bid me to disrobe and put on the usual
‎gown. After I laid on the table the doctor explained who he was, the
‎procedure and that there might be an amnesic effect from the sedative.

‎The nurse placed a large needle into my right armpit, first saying
"this may
‎sting a bit" (it did), and an oxygen cannula mechanism in my
nostrils. She
‎explained that anytime a sedative is administered, oxygen is also given.

‎The doctor complimented me on the fact that I had a person very close
to me
‎presumably at home write my name and social security number using a
magic marker on my
‎buttocks and a note "Please Be Gentle With Me". They all had a good
laugh
‎and said, "well that isn't the first time we've seen that, but it's
usually
‎a tattoo". I exclaimed, "... at least you won't find an gerbils up
there". ‎That caused a great conversation amongst the Medical Students
about the ‎South Park episode where bowel traveling gerbils were
featured.
‎By that time the ever-suffering nurse said, "Now Mister
‎Mann, here comes the sedative" ... I went out like a light -- praying
that
‎I wouldn't die on the operating table with eight feet of fiber optics up
‎the old Hershey Highway.

‎The procedure took about 20 minutes according to my staff members
remaining
‎in the waiting room. I don't remember putting my clothes back on or the
‎unplanned and unfortunate incident with the large window overlooking the
‎Vanderbilt University Quadrangle's lunch area filled with astonished
students,
‎nor anything actually, until getting into the car and emitting some
explosive
‎and expansive salutations.
‎Somewhat similar in effect to a gigantic "whoopee" cushion designed
by the
‎special effects crew of the old "B" movie "Land of the Giants".

‎Recovery has taken about 24 hours. I had a lot of cramping and
medium pain
‎due to the fact that they took several biopsies. Flatulence
continued for
‎about 12 hours, mostly very noisy but interestingly, without the usual
‎horrific stench which I usually emit.

‎Note for conspiracy theorists: No evidence of any Space Alien Probes
were discovered.

‎If you are over 50 please have your colon examined and don't worry
about the
‎side effects.

‎Cheers,

‎Dave

I had the budget version (sigmoidoscopy)done last year. It is an
absolute must even though they only harvested a small polyp (benign :-)
). I too passed on the video, although since I was awake I did get to
view the monitor in real time.

--
Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics
German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics
French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by Italians.

http://new.photos.yahoo.com/paul1cart/albums/