I was arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland after
I had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the
world.

I also claim responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in
November last year.

I was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted me
rooting around in bins. I explained that I was looking for fuel for my
'time machine power unit', a device that resembles a kitchen blender.

I was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for my age nor would
I reveal my country of origin.

"Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs
boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats
for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to
stop it ever happening."

This isn't the first time my time-travel has been blamed for mishaps
at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and
Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the
hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so "abhorrent" that it somehow
caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.

Professor Brian Cox, a former CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll
TV scientist, was sympathetic to me.

"Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn't mention
bloody black holes, the crazy fukknutzoid."

I was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later
disappeared from my cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.

They know it is me, Mark(ie), the creative genius.
--
Mark inventor/artist/pilot/guitarist/scientist/philosopher/
scratch golfer/cat wrangler and observer of the mundane.
And much much more including wealthy beyond anything you can imagine.
My website http://www.hosanna1.com/ www.myspace.com/gayincarolina