Thread: REAL NAVY LIFE
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Old February 8th 05, 02:21 AM
B.C. Mallam
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Default REAL NAVY LIFE



Subject: NAVY LIFE SIMEX


~~~~~
NOTE: The following has been edited for land lubbers.
~~~~~
A "SIMEX" is a "SIMULATION EXERCISE" ~ a routine that
replicates every conceivable aspect of the real event.

~ ~ ~

HOW TO SIMULATE BEING IN THE NAVY

1. BUY A DUMPSTER, PAINT IT GREY, AND LIVE IN IT FOR SIX MONTHS.

2. RUN ALL OF THE PIPING AND WIRES INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE
WALLS, AND LABEL ALL THE PIPING SO YOU CAN IDENTIFY WHAT YOU JUST HIT YOUR
HEAD ON.

3. PUMP 10 INCHES OF NASTY, GROSS WATER INTO YOUR BASEMENT. THEN PUMP IT
OUT, CLEAN IT UP, AND PAINT THE BASEMENT TERRACOTTA.

4. EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS, DRESS UP IN YOUR BEST CLOTHES AND GO TO THE
SCUMMIEST PART OF TOWN, FIND THE MOST RUN DOWN, TRASHY BAR YOU CAN, PAY $10
PER BEER UNTIL YOUR HAMMERED, THEN WALK HOME IN THE FREEZING COLD.

5. PERFORM A WEEKLY DISASSEMBLY AND INSPECTION OF YOUR LAWN MOWER.

6. RAISE YOUR BED TO WITHIN SIX INCHES OF THE CEILING.

7. HAVE YOUR NEIGHBOR COME OVER AT 5 AM, AND BLOW A WHISTLE SO LOUD THAT
HELEN KELLER WOULD HEAR, AND SHOUT "REVEILLE, REVEILLE, ALL HANDS HEAVE OUT
AND TRICE UP."

8. HAVE YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING SHE WANTS YOU TO DO THAT
DAY (AND WHAT TO WEAR). THEN STAND IN THE BACKYARD AT 6 AM AND HAVE HER READ
IT TO YOU.

9. SIT IN YOUR CAR AND LET IT RUN FOR 4 HOURS BEFORE GOING ANYWHERE TO
ENSURE THAT YOUR ENGINE IS PROPERLY "LIT OFF".

10. REPAINT YOUR HOUSE ONCE A MONTH.

11. HAVE YOUR NEIGHBOR COLLECT YOUR MAIL FOR A MONTH, RANDOMLY LOSING EVERY
5TH ITEM.

12. SPEND $20,000 ON A SATELLITE SYSTEM FOR YOUR TV, ONLY TO WATCH CNN AND
THE WEATHER CHANNEL.

13. HAVE YOUR 5-YEAR-OLD COUSIN GIVE YOU A HAIRCUT WITH GOAT SHEARS.

14. SEW BACK POCKETS TO THE FRONT OF YOUR PANTS.

15. PERIODICALLY, SHUT OFF POWER AT THE MAIN CIRCUIT BREAKER AND RUN AROUND
SHOUTING "FIRE, FIRE, FIRE" AND RESTORE POWER.

16. PURCHASE 50 CASES OF TOILET PAPER, LOCK UP ALL BUT TWO ROLLS, ENSURE ONE
OF THESE TWO ROLLS IS WET AT ALL TIMES.

17. SLEEP ON A SHELF IN THE CLOSET, REPLACE THE DOOR WITH A CURTAIN, HAVE
YOUR WIFE WHIP OPEN THE CURTAIN ABOUT 3 HOURS AFTER YOU GO TO SLEEP,
SHINE A BRIGHT FLASHLIGHT DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES, AND THEN
MUMBLE "SORRY, WRONG RACK".

18. SAFETY WIRE THE LUG NUTS ON YOUR CAR.

19. DRIVE TO THE GAS STATION, GET PERMISSION FROM THE SERVICE ATTENDANT TO
REFUEL YOUR CAR, DON RUBBER GLOVES, APRON, AND FACE SHIELD, START PUMPING,
THEN TELL WIFE AND KIDS IN THE CAR,"WE'VE COMMENCED REFUELING".

20. MOVE IN WITH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WOULDN'T GET CAUGHT DEAD HANGING OUT
WITH
FROM HIGH SCHOOL FOR 6 MONTHS.

21. SET YOUR ALARM CLOCK TO GO OFF AT RANDOM DURING THE NIGHT. JUMP AND GET
DRESSED AS FAST AS YOU CAN, MAKING SURE YOU BUTTON THE TOP BUTTON ON YOUR
SHIRT AND YOUR PANTS TUCKED IN YOUR SOCKS, RUN OUTSIDE AND UNCOIL THE GARDEN
HOSE.

22. INSTALL A SMALL FLORESCENT LAMP UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE, GET UNDER IT AND
READ BOOKS, AND OR SLEEP.

23. RAISE THE THRESHOLDS AND LOWER THE TOP SEALS OF YOUR DOORS SO THAT YOU
EITHER TRIP OR BANG YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU PASS THROUGH THEM.

24. WHEN BAKING A CAKE, PROP UP ONE SIDE OF THE PAN WHILE IT IS IN THE OVEN,
SPREAD ICING ON REAL THICK TO LEVEL IT OFF, SERVE AT EVERY MEAL.

25. EVERY SO OFTEN THROW THE CAT IN THE POOL AND SHOUT "MAN OVERBOARD,
STARBOARD SIDE" THEN RUN INTO THE KITCHEN AND SWEEP ALL THE PANS AND DISHES
OFF THE COUNTER, YELL AT THE WIFE AND KIDS FOR NOT "SECURING FOR SEA!"

26. PUT ON THE HEADPHONES FROM YOUR STEREO, HANG A PAPER CUP AROUND YOUR
NECK WITH A STRING. GO STAND IN FRONT OF THE STOVE AND SAY..."STOVE MANNED
AND READY." STAY THERE FOR 3-4 HOURS AND SAY..."STOVE SECURED, GOING
OFFLINE." ROLL UP YOUR HEADPHONES AND PAPER CUP AND PLACE THEM IN A BOX
MOUNTED ON THE WALL.

27. HAVE YOUR LITTLE SISTER YELL "WE ARE IN A TRAINING ENVIRONMENT" THEN
HAVE YOUR DAD FRANTICALLY WAVE A RED AND BLACK RAG AT YOU YELLING "BLACK
SMOKE AND FIRE" WHILE YOU WAVE AN UNCHARGED GARDEN HOSE AT HIM.

28. STAND IN THE DOORWAY OF YOUR HOUSE AND EVERY TIME THE DOG COMES THROUGH
THE DOGGIE DOOR, RING THE DOORBELL TWICE AND ANNOUNCE "BOXER ARRIVING", THEN
WHEN HE LEAVES, RING THE BELL TWICE AND ANNOUNCE "BOXER DEPARTING".

29. LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR HOME FOR SIX MONTHS, CONSUMING ONLY SNICKERS AND
PEPSI. AT THE END OF THE SIX MONTHS GO TO THE HIGH SCHOOL TRACK AND TRY TO
RUN A MILE AND A HALF IN 9 MINUTES, AND WHEN YOU CAN'T. YOU MUST STAND AT
ATTENTION WHILE YOUR WIFE YELLS AT YOU FOR NOT BEING "WITHIN STANDARDS".

30. GO OUTSIDE AT MIDNIGHT, OPEN THE FIRE HYDRANT FULL FORCE , THEN TRY TO
HAMMER A PIECE OF FIREWOOD IN THE HOLE.

31. EVERY HOUR FOR 4 HOURS WALK ABOUT YOUR HOUSE, CHECKING THE WATER LEVEL
IN THE TOILETS AND THE REFRIGERATOR TEMPS, GO OVER TO THE NEIGHBORS HOUSE.
RING THE DOORBELL, WHEN HE ANSWERS, SALUTE HIM AND SAY.."ALL SECURE."

32.STAND AT THE END OF YOUR WALKWAY BEHIND A PODIUM WITH A STICK, WHEN YOUR
LITTLE SISTER'S FRIENDS COME OVER, ASK TO SEE THEIR DRIVER'S LICENSES.
HARASS THOSE
WHO CAN'T PRODUCE A VALID ID, BUT LET THEM BY
ANYWAY.

33. HAVE YOUR MOM SEW YOUR NAME ON THE BACK OF ALL YOUR PANTS.

34. AT MIDNIGHT, WRITE ON LEGAL PAD WHICH NEIGHBORS ARE HOME, WHAT SINKS,
SHOWERS AND CEILING FANS ARE ONLINE, AND WHETHER OR NOT YOUR WIFE IS AT
HOME.

35. TAG OUT YOUR LAMP TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB.

36. DRAW AND TEST A DAILY LUBE OIL SAMPLE FROM YOUR CAR.

37. YELL "ATTENTION ON DECK" EVERY TIME YOUR WIFE ENTERS THE ROOM YOU ARE
IN.

38. PAINT A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK RING AROUND EVERY DOORWAY LEADING OUTSIDE YOUR
HOUSE. THEN PAINT A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK BOX ON EVERY WALL IN THE HOUSE. IN THE
BOX WRITE THE NAME OF THE ROOM AND GIVE IT A USELESS NUMBER AND CALL THAT
BOX A "BULL'S EYE".

39. PUT RED LIGHTS IN EVERY LIGHT FIXTURE LEADING OUTSIDE THE HOUSE AND
INSTALL A SWITCH THAT TURNS THIS LIGHT OFF WHEN THE DOOR IS OPENED.

40. GO TO THE BACKYARD AND SAY "AFT LOOKOUT ONLINE" AND STAY THERE ALL DAY.

41. YELL AT YOUR KIDS FOR WEARING WHITE SOCKS.

42. FLIP YOUR KID'S MATTRESS ONTO THE FLOOR BECAUSE THE SEAM OF THEIR
BEDSHEET WAS RUNNING THE WRONG WAY.

43. INSTALL A 2 BY 2-FOOT SHOWER AND TRY TO WASH YOUR FEET. (GOOD LUCK)

44. AFTER A RAINSTORM, GET A MOP AND GET UP ALL STANDING WATER FROM THE
PORCH AND SIDEWALK, SO THE WIFE WON'T COMPLAIN, AND DON'T FORGET TO SWEEP
AWAY ALL THE STANDING WATER IN THE STREET.

45. INSTALL A WOODEN BOX WITH A SMALL SLOT IN THE TOP AND A HOLE IN THE
BOTTOM THAT LEADS DIRECTLY TO THE TRASHCAN, AND ON THE BOX IN BOLD LETTERS
WRITE...."SUGGESTION BOX".

46. PAY FOR THE KIDS TO GO TO SMALL ENGINE SCHOOL. THEN WHEN THE LAWN MOWER
BREAKS, CALL SEARS TO COME AND FIX IT.

47. SERVE DINNER AT 4 PM. GIVE YOUR FAT SON A GENEROUS SERVING BECAUSE HE
LOOKS HUNGRY, AND BE SURE TO STARVE THE SKINNY ONE WHO IS ACTUALLY VERY
HUNGRY, AND SECURE DINNER BEFORE EVERYONE EATS.
~ ~ ~ ~

PS
IF SOME OF THESE DON'T MAKE SENSE TO YOU, CONTACT A SWABBIE (THAT'S NAVY
TALK FOR "SAILOR") ~ OR YOUR FRIENDLY NAVY RECRUITER.