WINNERS! Usenet Kook Awards, June 2008

Maxie!

you won!

Well done. It couldn't have been easy knocking the mighty Jamie off his
pedastal!


The Demon of Mockery wrote in news:7a3e27e8-fc8d-
:

Hail Eris! Friendly Neighborhood Vote Wrangler wrote:
"20th Century Fox Fanfare"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z54ynmUPZ5c

The time has come to announce the winners of the June 2008 Usenet
Kook Awards. Envelopes, please!

BOBO AWARD

The winner is...SCOTT "WEREO" LIFSHINE!

Scott "Wereo" Lifshine

21 votes YES
01 votes NO

Congratulations, Wereo! For not only exposing your kookery in a
court
of law, but consenting to have your small claim case televised, you
have
shown that your kookery knows no bounds when it comes to publicity.
Furthermore, the televising of your time before the bench and the
archiving of that incident on YouTube means that you have now
achieved
the bare minimum for the "global humiliation" standard for this most
esteemed award that alt.usenet.kooks gives out for lifetime
achievement
in kookery.

We (TINW) now present, for your viewing pleasure, the only man that
matters on USENET--WEREO!

AWL HALE TEH NUKULAR WARRIOR!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=l7Gac3AthnY

KOOK OF THE MONTH

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

22 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
06 votes Anthony X AKA "Sir Tony Baloney"
02 votes Alan Connor posting as "Tom Newton,"
01 votes None of the above

Congratulations, Lamie! The "tard"iness of this report is at least
partially due to you, not only because of your being USENET's
notorious
spamtard, but because the FNVW spent two weeks racking racking his
brain
trying to think of 13 unique things to say about you. That, along
with
the original report being lost when the FNVW's outbox became
corrupted,
contributed to this report coming out two weeks late. Fluffy was not
pleased, and neither was I.

I think it's safe to say the entire Imperial Court was generally
cheesed off, Mr. Baillie.

What, you thought you were going to sit down? Hardly. You're "Not
Dead Yet" for there are 12 more awards with your name on them, so
stand
right here.

"Not Dead Yet" from Spamalot
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vBz_WS6CdWc

Absolutely made of sheer awesome.

CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH

The winner is...MAXWELL!

10 votes Maxwell
08 votes Patriot Games
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Maxwell! Your lits o' haet including many different
people as "sockpuppets of Bertie" and your inability to distinguish
between fr0gging and forging, along with your continued whining and
utter inability to deal with a notorious troll (and Bertie is
notorious,
especially in New Zealand!), earned you this award over someone who
cried "censorship" when he couldn't see his own articles because of
propagation issues. See you in January, when you'll be on the ballot
for Clueless Newbie of the Year!

Oh well, at least it was close.

COWARD OF THE MONTH

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

20 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
04 votes Is Ken Darian
04 votes Raymond Karczewski
01 votes None of the above

Congratulations a second time, Spamtard! Your persistent legal
threats,
bogus DMCA takedowns, attempts to get others to do your dirty work,
and
running away from tough questions won you this prize. Now, watch
your
role model, Brave Sir Robin, and learn some style points from him.

Fat, ugly, stupid, cowardly, and k00ky, Lamie: Which three of these do
you think the ladies care about more? Of those three, which of them is
the most likely to earn you scorn from any woman with a pulse? BTW,
congratulations on beating both a legendarily cowardly k00k and a
promising upstart.

"Brave Sir Robin" from Spamalot
http://youtube.com/watch?v=AShveV6I_EA

LOONEY MAROON AWARD

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

22 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
09 votes Brad Guth
01 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations a third time, Lamie! My policy is to only allow
someone
to run for both Kook of the Month and Looney Maroon on the same
ballot
if they are an exceptionally strong candidate and are also
exceptionally
looney. Your sweeping of all 13 categories for which you were
nominated
this month confirmed the wisdom of allowing you to contest both
awards.
The Knights of the Round Table from Spamalot would be proud of you.

I haven't seen such sheer and unmitigated looniness outside of RADW in
many years, and even then, only in overall quality of froth --
Agamemnon can't be bothered with reporting anyone since that would
detract from the attention paid to him, and Yads has his own schtick.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBR_HsCfNxo

GOLDEN KILLFILE

The winner is...GREGVK!

16 votes gregvk
09 votes The Mark Morgan Fan Club of rec.radio.amateur.policy
01 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, gregvk/jitter/malscribe/purpurroterwald! Flaming
someone by wishing them ovarian cancer, among other lamery, has
earned
you this distinction of being worthy of being ignored by everyone on
USENET.

And he is so very worthy.

JOSEPH BARTLO MEMORIAL PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE AWARD

The winner is...GREGVK!

19 votes gregvk
09 votes Abbedd of rec.music.classical.recordings
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, again, Greggie poo! Your schtick may go over really
well on Something Awful, 4Chan, or Encyclopedia Dramatica, but on
AUK,
it's merely pathetic. In fact, it's so pathetic that you will
eventually be thrown into the Galactic Killfile for it. When that
will
happen is for me to know, and for you not to find out.

On the bright side, he x-no-archives, so much of his **** will be
entirely forgotten by
Google, and the rest of it will stand as a testament to his obsession
with showing up
AUK's brand of kookology as an outdated, politically correct dinosaur
with no
relevance to the "real" thing (q.v. innumerable (Literally!) posts
about the awards
only mattering to a small number of people). Well, if what he calls
"kookology" is the
current state of the art, I would be proud to have him call me a kook,
since he has
also described every single one of my colleagues in more-or-less
similar terms. Puts
me in the right company, to my mind.

PALMJOB PADDLE

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

22 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
07 votes Raymond Karczewski
02 votes dvus
00 votes None of the above

Congratulations, again, Spanktard! This is your first repeat win of
an
AUK award, fittingly, for being completely spanked by NANAE and
whoever
on AUK was also participating. Now, make like King Arthur and the
Knights of the Round Table and "RUN AWAY!"

Alas, poor dvus, he never stood a chance against the great self-
spanker of NANAE.
Or, for that matter, Kazoo. Ah, well.

"Run Away" from Spamalot
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GA7IDKWoz2o

TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

21 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
08 votes Raymond Karczewski
01 votes Babaloonie
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Dramatard! Ridiculous ranting? Check. Unprovoked
meltdowns? Check. Operatic flouncing? Check. Threatening to leave
USENET forever, preferably several times a week? We (TINW) could
only
hope. In the meantime, here is another role model of yours; she
might
teach you something.

sets about preparing a suitable crown for Lamie

"Diva's Lament (What Ever Happened to My Part?)" from Spamalot
http://youtube.com/watch?v=u9VMImm_61Y

VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN WEIRD SCIENCE AWARD

The winner is..."PHOTON DEGRADATION' BY DOUBLE-A!

"Photon Degradation" by Double-A

20 votes YES
00 votes NO

Congratulations, Double-A! It looks like all the weird science
thrown
around alt.astronomy has finally infiltrated your consciousness. It
was
only a matter of time.

"Tired light." Hee-hee!

DOUGLAS GRANT MEDAL FOR HISTORICAL REVISIONISM

The winner is...JOHN WENTZKY!

12 votes "Confederate Flag revisionism" by John Wentzky
09 votes "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" by Bloxy/Nukleus
01 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, John-Boy! Your original revisionism about the
Confederate States of America eked out a win over the repeated
reprinting of the most notorious piece of bogus revisionist history,
to
say nothing of the mother of all conspiracy theories (the grandmother
being anything involving the Knights Templar), still extant. All
that
was missing was the cry of "The South Shall Rise Again!" Yes, it
will,
but not because of revisionists like you.

Well, technically, the "Elders of Zion" are linked to the Bavarian
Illuminati, who are said
to be inheritors of the tradition of the Templars -- therefore,
Wentzky did indeed
beat out the grandmother of all conspiracy theories...Kind of.

GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

26 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
02 votes Alan Connor posting as "Tom Newton"
00 votes Neither of the above

Further congratulations to you, Lamie! Your multiple crusades, but
especially your campaign against aioe, have attracted the attention
of
NANAE and AUK and earned you this award. Did you get that aioe user
banned? No? You did, however, give the admin of aioe an opportunity
to
show that he has balls and integrity, which is one of the reasons
that
I'm now accepting ballots from that site, when a few months ago, I
shredded them on sight. That's a "victory" just like The Black
Knight's!

You gotta sever the head. It only counts if you have a severed head to
hold up...
Incidentally, I'd like to suggest that Lamie be awarded Wollmann's own
heretofore-unique
award (for, I believe, much the same sort of k00kery) -- the one to
which you just
referred.;-{P}

The Black Knight from Spamalot.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=k2jYtRTEaNI

SPECIAL OPS CODY MEMORIAL PURPLE HEART

The winner is...THE RAMD ASSWIPE BRIGADE!

12 votes The RAMD Asswipe Brigade
09 votes Dr. Andrew B. Chung
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Post-Show Parking Lot Brawlers! Your continued
attempts to "plonk the filth" didn't chase any outsiders away from
your
home froup. Instead, it got you cascade after cascade mocking your
efforts. Oh, your work also got you a victory over a big-name kook--
the
biggest award winner of the past three years, in fact. That's quite
the
accomplishment (1993 Star of Indiana golf clap for all of you).

considerately adjusts the froup line

TAR & FEATHERS

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

22 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
06 votes Ed Conrad
01 votes Neither of the above

Sincere congratulations to you for this one, Spamtard. Not only did
you
have to prove that you had cleared the high bar of being a
"terminally
clueless crusader" that everyone in your home group would like to see
run out of town on a rail, you handily defeated, in his third attempt
at
this award, one of the few people I know who really was run out of a
USENET group on a rail, Ed "Coalbrain" Conrad, whose kookery is even
more legendary than yours.

Lamie will be a hard act for Yads to follow. But he's trying! He gets
the Big, Scary
Headers just right, and consistently mis-identifies the progenitors
(or *progenitor*,
as the case may be) of the relevant posts as moi. Posting entire web
pages
(apparently, radical Islamic ones) and identifying them as belonging
to his personal usenet
enemies is further evidence of his future eligibility for this fine
recognition of lifetime achievement in net.cluelessness. Also, take
note:
http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/...cs/adrics.html

The Dave Yadallee Award for Net.Cluelessness: Dave Yadallee (four
times, from
1994-2003). I'm predicting a landslide victory for Teh Yads as CNOTM.
Sorry, but I can find no
record of any awards after 2003 (and as I recall, Yads was a
disastrous choice for
host in a later year, but damfiremember which -- he should get an
honorary DYANC
for that one, but it'd be redundant). If any radwers can point me at
the correct site
(for the more recent awards), that would be most appreciated.

BUSTED URINAL AWARD

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

13 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
12 votes gregvk
07 votes Abbedd of rec.music.classical.recordings
02 votes None of the above
00 votes Is Ken Darien

Congratulations yet again! It's only appropriate that someone whose
most common nickname is "Lamie" should win the award for "the lamest
of
the lame on USENET." Yes, Jamie, that's you.

Then it's even more fitting that someone who may well have caused a
first- or
second-wave meower to originate the saying, "AWL HALE TEH MITY POAST
COUNT!"
should follow him on the July ballot. Mind you, Patriot Games has had
an output of
roughly 69,000 posts in the past year or so, as well. Yads vs Milby
should be *epic*.

UNABOMBER SURPRISE

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

Jamie "Lamie" Baillie

25 votes YES
03 votes NO

Congratulations, Spamtard! Your eye-glazing screeds that you call
"abuse reports" really do say the least possible with the most text.

Yads attempts to do the very opposite, on a post-by-post basis, but he
replies to
practically everything, regardless of whether he has an intelligible
comment to add,
so the cumulative effect of reading his posts is much the same as
reading any one
of Baillie's. Even moreso, when he poasts headers or webpages.

BOLO BULLIS FOAM DUCK

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

15 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
14 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations Lamie! Of course, you had an unfair advantage with
this
award. The criterion is that you had to demonstrate that you lost
more
marbles than a Chinese Checker factory. Well, there is some doubt
you
ever had those marbles in the first place!

I foresee a possibility that, one day, Yads and Aggie will both be
nominated for this
most auspicious award in the same month. I predict a tie, in such a
case.

BALSA GAVEL

The winner is...SCOTT "WEREO" LIFSHINE!

Scott "Wereo" Lifshine

21 votes YES
00 votes NO

Congratulations, again, Mr. Lifshine! For suing someone that you met
over the Internet about your pet kooky project, you have managed to
earn
not only the highest honor AUK gives out for kookery, but one of the
rarest awards AUK gives out. After all, it's a special breed who
actually sues over someone thwarting their USENET obsession.

GO WEREO GO!

BARBARA WOODHOUSE MEMORIAL DOG-WHISTLE AWARD

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE, TRAINED BY GARY BURNORE!

21 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie, trained by Gary Burnore.
05 votes Maxwell, trained by Bertie the Bunyip
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Gary, for your training of Lamie! This makes two
kooks, Dimmy and now Lamie, that are at your beck and call. They
certainly make for a wonderfully loony matched set!

And they'll even snarl at each other!

PIERRE SALINGER MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER

The winner is..."WE NEED A NEW FNVW"!

"We need a new FNVW" by Pope Snarky, Pinku-Sensei, and Art Deco

16 votes YES
04 votes NO

Congratulations, Snarky and Art! You two did a wonderful job of
making
lemonade out of lemons and then getting the kooks and kookologists to
drink it!

curtsy Conga-rats yerself on adding another Salinger to your
record...

OFFICE OF DARTH BAWL

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

16 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
09 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
05 votes Brad Guth

Congratulations, Dramatard! By winning this office, you not only
beat
out another notorious whiner, but you made yourself eligible for yet
another annual award--The Bardley Annual Whining Baby New Year--to go
along with Rookie Kook of the Year, Kook of the Year, and Coward of
the
Year. If you have a website, you would also be eligible for the
kooksite of the year award, too.

Well, allegedly he does, but it ain't loadin'. tries again Nope.

OFFICE OF VILLAGE IDIOT

The winner is...JAMIE "LAMIE" BAILLIE!

26 votes Jamie "Lamie" Baillie
04 votes Charles Lysaght

Congratulations for the final time this month, Lamie! You handily
defeated one of the most notoriously and entertainingly idiotic
posters
to USENET, the infamous Chuckles Lysaght, capping off an election in
which you have probably won more awards in a single month than any
other
kook in AUK history. While some might decry this as piling on, your
history of kookery and idiocy on the Internet goes back 15 years, so
a
good case can be made that this is merely catching up for lost time.
Besides, you can look on the bright side--there are still more awards
you can win!

I think he might have beaten out Teh Monkey -- I don't remember how
the latter
won his awards anymore...

"Always Look at the Bright Side of Life" from Spamalot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qukfTiqyR8

KOOKI INFORMATION MINISTER

The winner is...ALEXA CAMERON!

15 votes Alexa Cameron
07 votes John Wentzky

Cpngratulations, Alexa! You handily defeated this month's winner of
the
Doogie Rant Medal for Historical Revisionism to held on to your
office
for spreading misinformation. Your reputation for misinformation is
now
legend.

That _is_ an astonishing feat.

MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS

The winner is...BIG-8 MANAGEMENT BOARD!

11 votes Big-8 Management Board
08 votes The Mark Morgan Fan Club of rec.radio.amateur.policy
07 votes The Gun Nutz of misc.survivalism and talk.politics.guns
02 votes Nazicowards of soc.culture.israel

Congratulations, B8MBies! You have finally beaten out the
Saucerheads
of alt.astronomy as the contingent who have occupied this office the
most times. So, are you going to push for term limits?

Close race!

OFFICE OF ILLUCIDUS MAXIMUS

The winner is...Jeff Relf!

11 votes Jeff Relf
10 votes John Wentzky

Congratulations, Glyph-boi! Your computer-assisted illucidity beat
out
someone who is naturally incoherent.

Even closer...

This concludes the announcement of the winners of the June 2008
Usenet
Kook Awards. Thirty-nine entities submitted thirty-nine ballots.
One
of these was from someone whose participation might actually please
Fluffy, but who voted for previous winners, not candidates currently
on
the ballot. Another was a forgery that, worse yet, voted for the
person
being forged. A repeat performance will result in the forger being
disenfranchised. Both ballots where shredded and added to Fluffy's
Litter Box. The good news is that the money that would have been
spent
on cat litter this month has again been redirected to the the COO
Beer
Cooler (TINCOOBC). The bad news is that it's still just enough to
cover
inflation. Sorry, no La Fin du Monde this month, either.

Can we at least get some Bacardi rum? Not fond of beer, except the
virtual kind, but
I do enjoy rum & Coke. Virtual, RL, either way.

See you all very shortly, as this month's nominations will come out
ASAP
and then the July election will be held in a few days. Until then,
hail
Fluffy and may Bob have mercy on your souls!

Hey, we(tinw) need a noms update...

And now, a special recessional in honor of this month's big w(h)
inner,
Jamie "Lamie" Baillie!

Sara Ramierez performing "Find Your Grail" at the 2005 Tony Awards
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yRlnSgu-bY

Re-sending because it didn't go to the intended groups -- Wentzky and
Maxwell must be notified at once! Plus, I had some comments for RADW.

Snarky