Step away from the cake, ma'am

Step away from the cake, ma'am

The latest follies of US airport security are pushing travellers
to the limits, says Tony Allen-Mills



Britons rushing to America to take advantage of the sinking
dollar would do well to heed the latest US security warning. The
Transportation Security Administration - also known to frequent flyers as
Thousands Standing Around - has advised passengers not to travel with
fruitcake.
Apparently, the dense composition of "heavy" foods such as
fruitcake and Christmas pudding might be mistaken for explosives by airport
screening machines. A passenger whose baggage triggers an alarm might in
turn be subject to intensive search procedures - and those are no laughing
matter. No unsuspecting Briton flying in or out of Fortress America is safe
from a poke in the groin or a fondle under the bra.



While few of us begrudged the enhanced security that smothered
American airports after the tragedy of 9/11, a recent tightening of already
intensive screening procedures is provoking increasing passenger resistance.

Here's the kind of thing you can now expect to see at any
American airport. Jenepher Field, 71, a grandmother who walks with a cane,
was led aside at Kansas City airport for a private inspection of her
breasts. When an 83-year-old California woman was subjected to similar
treatment, she complained to the screener: "For God's sake, what are you
looking for? I've never had anyone do that to me before."

Nor are men immune, as I learnt when flying back to Washington
after a holiday in France this month. I don't really look the Arab-terrorist
type - I'm blond, with blue eyes - and I was travelling with my wife and
18-month-old baby, not something your average terrorist tends to do. None of
which saved me from a hand down my trousers after I was hauled aside for a
random check on the gangway leading to the aircraft.

I couldn't help noticing, as my wife and baby stood helplessly
by and a screener peered at the metal studs on my Mexican cowboy belt, that
several Arab-looking males were sauntering onto the plane.

Of course, that's a racist observation, but it's also the crux
of America's problem. Billions of dollars are being spent on unpleasantly
invasive security procedures that are applied to who, exactly? Kansas
grandmothers and blond Englishmen? The TSA responds that Al-Qaeda is almost
certainly probing US airports for signs of potential weakness. If Osama Bin
Laden notices that a certain group of traveller is immune from security
checks, he will refine his recruiting efforts. "The suggestion that our
screeners should pay less attention to grandmas and babies is like giving a
free pass to terrorists," declares James Loy, former head of the TSA.

I suppose it's just about possible that Bin Laden could find an
American grandmother willing to board a plane with a baby packed with
explosives. Yet I'm far from alone in wondering if the random nature of
these checks owes more to the administration's fear of being sued for
discrimination if it singles out suspect groups - single Arab males, for
one.

In Fortress America, a new book on post-9/11 security, Matthew
Brzezinski quotes a former security director of El Al, the Israeli state
airline, as laughing at American procedures. According to Offer Einav, at
least 80% of airline travellers are good citizens who present no danger. El
Al's system of passenger profiling aims to identify these citizens so that
security resources can be concentrated on the 20% who may present a risk.

"Israel's passenger profiling differed fundamentally from the
American version," writes Brzezinski. "It was used not to roll the dice in
the hope of ferreting out potential hijackers during a random check, but
primarily to identify and eliminate honest travellers."

So, what can a British family do to avoid being singled out for
so-called secondary screening (look for the dreaded SSSS alert on your
boarding passes)? Let me pass on a helpful tip. Choose your Christmas
presents carefully.

After a quick trip to Iowa earlier this year, I stopped at an
antiques shop in Des Moines on my way back to the airport in the hope of
adding to my collection of arcane American objects. I found a delightful tin
can, covered with ancient red paint and bearing a handsome spout. It was
perhaps 75 years old, and I thought it would make an unusual vase to put on
the dining-room table. What I liked most about it was the yellow lettering
that spelt out the word GASOLINE.

I suppose some part of me knew that turning up at an American
airport with a petrol can, even an old and empty one, might prove a risky
venture. I figured I could persuade them that a terrorist would scarcely
attempt to check in with a suitcase marked "Bomb".

Well, you can imagine the rest. I missed my plane, supervisors
were summoned, security lines were paralysed, and I was given a long lecture
about security being no joke.

I eventually got the can back to DC, but only after the captain
of the next available flight agreed to take the risk of flying me. Happy
trails, everyone. And stay away from the fruitcake.

"Chris" wrote in message
...
Step away from the cake, ma'am

The latest follies of US airport security are pushing
travellers to the limits, says Tony Allen-Mills

Apparently, the dense composition of "heavy" foods such as
fruitcake and Christmas pudding might be mistaken for explosives by
airport screening machines.

Anything that reduces the amount of fruitcake in the world is a worthwhile
proposition.

"Michael 182" wrote in message
news:minxd.214071$5K2.93235@attbi_s03...

"Chris" wrote in message
...
Step away from the cake, ma'am

The latest follies of US airport security are pushing
travellers to the limits, says Tony Allen-Mills

Apparently, the dense composition of "heavy" foods such as
fruitcake and Christmas pudding might be mistaken for explosives by
airport screening machines.

Anything that reduces the amount of fruitcake in the world is a worthwhile
proposition.

That type of fruitcake needs to be eaten with a fine white Stilton cheese.
The cheese balances the richness of the cake.

I know there must be something wrong with me, but I actually like fruitcake.
;-)

mike regish

"Michael 182" wrote in message
news:minxd.214071$5K2.93235@attbi_s03...

"Chris" wrote in message
...
Step away from the cake, ma'am

The latest follies of US airport security are pushing
travellers to the limits, says Tony Allen-Mills

Apparently, the dense composition of "heavy" foods such as
fruitcake and Christmas pudding might be mistaken for explosives by
airport screening machines.

Anything that reduces the amount of fruitcake in the world is a worthwhile
proposition.

"mike regish" wrote:

I know there must be something wrong with me, but I actually like
fruitcake. ;-)

mike regish



You're not alone! We get one every year from Collin St. Bakery in Corsicana, TX. They are excellent.

Mike

Michael 182 wrote...

Anything that reduces the amount of fruitcake in the world is a worthwhile
proposition.

I thought there was only one, it just kept getting passed
from family to family over the years.

Dave 'hand-me-down' Hyde

Ahh...fruitcakes. Great ammuniton if you run out of flour bags doing
target runs with your Skyhawk.

Anything that reduces the amount of fruitcake in the world is a worthwhile
proposition.

Certainly, anything that reduces the amount of typical Canadian/US
fruitcake, and the price conscious European fruitcake is a good thing.

But to eradicate the real thing would be sacreligious!

Ahhh - but how do you tell I hear you asking - and if you weren't
asking, you're gonna hear anyway

The best Christmas cake - which is traditionally a richly decorated high
quality fruit cake, and the better quality Christmas puddings, are made
one year ahead - the one you make this year is for next Christmas.

It is very dense with fruit and contains generous amounts of brandy.
Every couple of months you unwrap it, poke holes through it and add more
brandy. Just before Christmas you decorate it.

If it doesn't have enough fruit or brandy it spoils. If it does have
enough, it matures, just like wine does.

Or, you order one from Fortnum and Mason - not as good as the best
homemade, but reasonably close and a lot less work.

But these that I see in Canada - that actually contain colouring to make
them look dark - lets ship the whole lot through US Customs - hopefully
they'll blow them all up.

Tony - who makes the best brandy sauce on the West Coast

--

Tony Roberts
PP-ASEL
VFR OTT
Night
Cessna 172H C-GICE

mike regish wrote:

I know there must be something wrong with me, but I actually like fruitcake.
;-)

My grandmother used to make one of the best fruitcakes I ever tasted. I liked
hers, at least.

George Patterson
The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise.

Chris wrote:

Nor are men immune, as I learnt when flying back to Washington
after a holiday in France this month. I don't really look the Arab-terrorist
type - I'm blond, with blue eyes - and I was travelling with my wife and
18-month-old baby, not something your average terrorist tends to do. None of
which saved me from a hand down my trousers after I was hauled aside for a
random check on the gangway leading to the aircraft.

Any man putting his hand down my trousers will have some serious hurt on him.
And, I don't care if it's some TSA fruitcake (no pun intended). That's an
improper search by TSA's own rules, in public or in the private room.

Also, I like fruitcake. I never understood the problem, unless there are a lot
of people out there that don't know how to make one.

--
Jim

carry on