"Must Have" Tools for Christmas

"Must Have" Tools for Christmas

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything
you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off
their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Eric Miller wrote:
"Must Have" Tools for Christmas

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything
you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off
their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.



For the more advanced tool kit there's the

ENGLISH WHEEL: Used to squirt blood out from under a fingernail. Also
used for determining when metal should have been annealed.

Dan, U.S. Air Force, retired

A GE Minigun. :^) Well, it IS a tool...

"Flyingmonk" wrote in message
oups.com...

A GE Minigun. :^) Well, it IS a tool...

How about a calendar? http://tinyurl.com/dh7y7

Or the tee shirt? http://tinyurl.com/c88tk

Rich S.

On Fri, 16 Dec 2005 06:54:46 -0800, "Rich S."
wrote:

"Flyingmonk" wrote in message
roups.com...

A GE Minigun. :^) Well, it IS a tool...

How about a calendar? http://tinyurl.com/dh7y7

Calendars? How 'bout:

http://www.bowersflybaby.com/calendar.html

Ron Wanttaja

Ron Wanttaja wrote:

Calendars? How 'bout:

http://www.bowersflybaby.com/calendar.html

Ron Wanttaja

Nicely done Ron.

But you failed to include even ONE picture of the FlyBaby Biplane?

- John (two wings good, four wings better!) Ousterhout -

Add a sheet metal break that helps you find where the cracks are in the bend
of the last piece of aluminum available. They are also called
"Grain Finders".

--
Stu Fields


"Eric Miller" wrote in message
...
"Must Have" Tools for Christmas

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off
a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything
you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's
main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off
their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Flyingmonk wrote:
A GE Minigun. :^) Well, it IS a tool...

http://media.putfile.com/M60E41

http://media.putfile.com/M60E41

Awesome!

Kind of gets you a woody!

Flyingmonk wrote:
http://media.putfile.com/M60E41


Awesome!