clarinet humour

pluto wrote:
"clarinet.fan" wrote in message
reenews.net...
How many clarinettists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just
the
right one.

What is the bell of a bass clarinet used for?
To hold the ashes of the clarinet.

What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinettist with half a brain?
Gifted.

Band player horoscope
http://www.harrogate.co.uk/Harrogate-band/humour81.htm
"Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you're most likely to be strong,
and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic.
The
future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As
the
same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section.
Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised."
"Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun,
outgoing, 'wild', open-minded, and talented. You really don't have any
concerns to think about, so have fun!
Compatibility: Whatever you choose."

I guess I should have picked bass clarinet.

Weapons of mass destruction
http://www.harrogate.co.uk/harrogate-band/humour94.htm
"Eb CLARINET: The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil of the woodwind
family.
Entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable, its blunderbuss like emissions
can occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its owner as it is to
the intended victim. For this reason the Eb clarinet is not in wide use
today and only used by highly trained professionals and circus band
daredevils.
Bb CLARINET: As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb Clarinet is to the Eb
Clarinet. The only time a Bb clarinet is considered truly dangerous is in
the hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His seemingly lacking
ability to adjust his air to the clarinet causes a tone so forced and
horrific that decorum prevents me from continuing.
ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET: The Scud missiles of the clarinet
family.
Considered to be low grade weapons, these clarinets are of limited
lethality
due to the geekiness of their operators."

Or maybe not ;-)

--
Sumer is icumen in,
Lhude sing, cuccu!
Groweth sed and bloweth med
And springth the wude nu.
Sing, cuccu!

Sumer??? You're rushing the season a bit.

It summer down here - believe it or not!

How do you get the clarinet.fan down from the tree?
Cut the noose.

Was he pluto'd?

What do you call 40 clarinettists at the bottom of the lake?
A good start.

Sounds like the Dead Sea.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He
looked at the selections:
- Violinist Brains, $1/lb
- Trumpeter Brains, $10/lb
- Percussionist Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinettist Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinettists brains were so expensive.
The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinettists you have to kill to
get a pound of brains?"

I know for a fact that Dickless doesn't have any brains.

wrote:
"Michael Baldwin, Bruce" wrote in message
oups.com...

Sumer??? You're rushing the season a bit.

It summer down here - believe it or not!

I believe it.

I don't doubt you.

How do you get the clarinet.fan down from the tree?
Cut the noose.

Was he pluto'd?

Don't believe everything you hear.

Why? What have you heard?

What do you call 40 clarinettists at the bottom of the lake?
A good start.

Sounds like the Dead Sea.

I see.

Icy.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He
looked at the selections:
- Violinist Brains, $1/lb
- Trumpeter Brains, $10/lb
- Percussionist Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinettist Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinettists brains were so expensive.
The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinettists you have to
kill to
get a pound of brains?"

I know for a fact that Dickless doesn't have any brains.

What do you call a bass clarinettist with one brain cell?
Gifted.

So what does that make Dickless?

wrote:
"Michael Baldwin, Bruce" wrote in message
oups.com...
A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner.
He
looked at the selections:
- Violinist Brains, $1/lb
- Trumpeter Brains, $10/lb
- Percussionist Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinettist Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinettists brains were so expensive.
The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinettists you have to
kill to
get a pound of brains?"

I know for a fact that Dickless doesn't have any brains.

What do you call a bass clarinettist with one brain cell?
Gifted.

So what does that make Dickless?

Average. There is an item missing from the price list above:
Bass clarinettist brains, $10,000/lb

You'd think they'd be cheap because they can'r even give them away.

wrote:
"Michael Baldwin, Bruce" wrote in message
ups.com...
wrote:
"Michael Baldwin, Bruce" wrote in message
oups.com...
A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for
dinner.
He
looked at the selections:
- Violinist Brains, $1/lb
- Trumpeter Brains, $10/lb
- Percussionist Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinettist Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinettists brains were so expensive.
The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinettists you
have to
kill to
get a pound of brains?"

I know for a fact that Dickless doesn't have any brains.

What do you call a bass clarinettist with one brain cell?
Gifted.

So what does that make Dickless?

Average. There is an item missing from the price list above:
Bass clarinettist brains, $10,000/lb

You'd think they'd be cheap because they can'r even give them away.

Some things are valuable just because they are so rare.

Some things are rare because they aren't in demand.