Aeronautical Glossary

Aeronautical Glossary


180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the
degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's
ego.

A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.

Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.

Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a
country that gives its aeroplanes names like Gipsy Moth, Slingsby
Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.

Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell
out of airline passengers when it moves.

Airfoil - 1. Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle
disputes between crew members and passengers. 2. What pilots wrap
their sandwiches in.

Airframe - When the FAA inspector knows that you have only a student
license and sends his kids to bum a ride with you in the plane.

Air Mass - Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft
immediately following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost,
having an engine problem, or running out of fuel.

Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2.True
airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when
listening to a Navy aviator. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in
student aircraft.

Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.

Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure
in which people congregate for dubious reasons..

Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel
to proceed to if necessary.

Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.

Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see
"Horizontally Opposed").

Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport
parties.

Aspect Ratio - 36-24-36.

Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his checkride.

Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy
rainstorm..

Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

Caged Gyro - Not much more docile than a wild gyro.

Caging the Gyro - Easier with domestic species.

Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve;
often found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2.
Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.

Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features
camouflaged.

Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.

Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit
surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that
provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's
curtains.

Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican
pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels
while the pilot isn't looking.

Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other,
especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area
in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.

Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a
rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and
less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the
most serious.

Control Tower - A small shack on stilts, inhabited by government
pensioners who can't hear. When they also become blind, they are sent
to Centers.

Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and
greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."

Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds,
usually without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after
trying unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been
unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable
Landing Site"). 4. Crotch Crickets.

Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once
he has found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing
Site").

Cuban 8 - A family of political refugees in Miami.

De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wings.

Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.

Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens
automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.

Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and
landings.

FAA - Fear And Alarm

Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft.
Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."

Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before
giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student
pilot's first landing.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing
dead batteries.

Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums
of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious
doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student
pilots.

Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying -- or seek
other pleasures.

Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.

Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while
enroute to Hawaii.

Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum
permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four
sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.

Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport
cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.

Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")

Hotel - The letter H as pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most
often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight
attendants.

Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female
flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.

Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general
aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway
directly in front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered
enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.

Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't
make airworthy.

Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse
pilots who already have trouble with knots.

Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator,
his four mechanics, and three lineboys..

Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2.
Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."

Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to
describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.

Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to
an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")

National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C.
whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing
to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.

Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A
to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.

Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual
Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been
named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying
-- and flying when he's with a woman.

Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use
in your business.

Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can
pitot.

Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots'
equivalent of "hogwash."

Pylon - All aboard!

Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at
airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from
one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other.
Player with the fewest collisions wins.

Roger - The most popular name in radio transmissions-- followed by
Dodger, Codger, Over & Out.

Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also
see "Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience
area at all good burlesque houses in Vegas.

S-Turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.

Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult
student.

Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet
long.

Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.

Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.

Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see
"Gross Weight").

Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you
in so can't get it.

Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex.
Suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see
"Arctic Frost").

Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs
fixing. An improperly tuned clock goes "Tock Tick" instead of "Tick
Tock".

Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot
who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.

Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often
causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.

Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.
2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3.
A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight
red jumpsuits.

Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.

Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by
underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.

Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots
upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight
performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in
instructor yelling at them.


For the beginner and also senior pilots.

Big John

Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a
country that gives its aeroplanes names like Gipsy Moth, Slingsby
Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.

Let's not forget the Vickers Wildebeest, the Westland Wapiti and the
Handley Page Hampden

Bertie