Step away from the cake, ma'am

Step away from the cake, ma'am

The latest follies of US airport security are pushing travellers
to the limits, says Tony Allen-Mills



Britons rushing to America to take advantage of the sinking
dollar would do well to heed the latest US security warning. The
Transportation Security Administration - also known to frequent flyers as
Thousands Standing Around - has advised passengers not to travel with
fruitcake.
Apparently, the dense composition of "heavy" foods such as
fruitcake and Christmas pudding might be mistaken for explosives by airport
screening machines. A passenger whose baggage triggers an alarm might in
turn be subject to intensive search procedures - and those are no laughing
matter. No unsuspecting Briton flying in or out of Fortress America is safe
from a poke in the groin or a fondle under the bra.



While few of us begrudged the enhanced security that smothered
American airports after the tragedy of 9/11, a recent tightening of already
intensive screening procedures is provoking increasing passenger resistance.

Here's the kind of thing you can now expect to see at any
American airport. Jenepher Field, 71, a grandmother who walks with a cane,
was led aside at Kansas City airport for a private inspection of her
breasts. When an 83-year-old California woman was subjected to similar
treatment, she complained to the screener: "For God's sake, what are you
looking for? I've never had anyone do that to me before."

Nor are men immune, as I learnt when flying back to Washington
after a holiday in France this month. I don't really look the Arab-terrorist
type - I'm blond, with blue eyes - and I was travelling with my wife and
18-month-old baby, not something your average terrorist tends to do. None of
which saved me from a hand down my trousers after I was hauled aside for a
random check on the gangway leading to the aircraft.

I couldn't help noticing, as my wife and baby stood helplessly
by and a screener peered at the metal studs on my Mexican cowboy belt, that
several Arab-looking males were sauntering onto the plane.

Of course, that's a racist observation, but it's also the crux
of America's problem. Billions of dollars are being spent on unpleasantly
invasive security procedures that are applied to who, exactly? Kansas
grandmothers and blond Englishmen? The TSA responds that Al-Qaeda is almost
certainly probing US airports for signs of potential weakness. If Osama Bin
Laden notices that a certain group of traveller is immune from security
checks, he will refine his recruiting efforts. "The suggestion that our
screeners should pay less attention to grandmas and babies is like giving a
free pass to terrorists," declares James Loy, former head of the TSA.

I suppose it's just about possible that Bin Laden could find an
American grandmother willing to board a plane with a baby packed with
explosives. Yet I'm far from alone in wondering if the random nature of
these checks owes more to the administration's fear of being sued for
discrimination if it singles out suspect groups - single Arab males, for
one.

In Fortress America, a new book on post-9/11 security, Matthew
Brzezinski quotes a former security director of El Al, the Israeli state
airline, as laughing at American procedures. According to Offer Einav, at
least 80% of airline travellers are good citizens who present no danger. El
Al's system of passenger profiling aims to identify these citizens so that
security resources can be concentrated on the 20% who may present a risk.

"Israel's passenger profiling differed fundamentally from the
American version," writes Brzezinski. "It was used not to roll the dice in
the hope of ferreting out potential hijackers during a random check, but
primarily to identify and eliminate honest travellers."

So, what can a British family do to avoid being singled out for
so-called secondary screening (look for the dreaded SSSS alert on your
boarding passes)? Let me pass on a helpful tip. Choose your Christmas
presents carefully.

After a quick trip to Iowa earlier this year, I stopped at an
antiques shop in Des Moines on my way back to the airport in the hope of
adding to my collection of arcane American objects. I found a delightful tin
can, covered with ancient red paint and bearing a handsome spout. It was
perhaps 75 years old, and I thought it would make an unusual vase to put on
the dining-room table. What I liked most about it was the yellow lettering
that spelt out the word GASOLINE.

I suppose some part of me knew that turning up at an American
airport with a petrol can, even an old and empty one, might prove a risky
venture. I figured I could persuade them that a terrorist would scarcely
attempt to check in with a suitcase marked "Bomb".

Well, you can imagine the rest. I missed my plane, supervisors
were summoned, security lines were paralysed, and I was given a long lecture
about security being no joke.

I eventually got the can back to DC, but only after the captain
of the next available flight agreed to take the risk of flying me. Happy
trails, everyone. And stay away from the fruitcake.