How Aircraft Stay In The Air

"Fred J. McCall" wrote
Which brings us to the unofficial motto where I work:

Let The Pigs Fly!

At the risk of starting a motto competition:

"All pigs fed and ready to fly"

"Cry havoc and let fly the pigs of war" (military aerospace company)

"We're going full boar"

I was tempted to make jokes about boarsight, but it might turn sow-er and
then I'd feel gilt-y.

--
Sarah H
http://www.messybeast.com
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm
Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century

"George" wrote in message
om...
Tank Fixer wrote in message
nk.net...
In article ,
on Sat, 28 Feb 2004 18:11:26 -0000,
Sarah Hotdesking attempted
to
say .....

I'm also advised that control surfaces are really pixie playgrounds.
Also
to look out for the male water sheep which run around parts of the
aircraft.
Correct

Sheep do it all! it's the hydraulic rams that move the moveable.

What, even on the flying pigs? Would the pigs feel a little, errm,
sheepish?

Andy Breen is the expert on airborne sheep, but I'll let him explain ....

--
Sarah H
http://www.messybeast.com
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm
Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century

"Tank Fixer" wrote in message
k.net...
In article ,
on Sat, 28 Feb 2004 18:11:26 -0000,
Sarah Hotdesking attempted to
say .....

"Jim Watt" wrote

Are Harriers equipped with sirens?

No - they are an ill-advised experiment in using water nymphs.

Only on the Sea Harriers.

Which is a type of submarine, right? We're getting into mermaids now (yes,
I know, there are probably quite a few of you who wouldn't mind getting into
mermaids if you could only work out how ...)

--
Sarah H
http://www.messybeast.com
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm
Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century

In ,
Sarah Hotdesking radiated
into the WorldWideWait:

"Fred J. McCall" wrote
Which brings us to the unofficial motto where I work:

Let The Pigs Fly!

At the risk of starting a motto competition:

"All pigs fed and ready to fly"

"Cry havoc and let fly the pigs of war" (military aerospace company)

"We're going full boar"

I was tempted to make jokes about boarsight, but it might turn
sow-er and then I'd feel gilt-y.

After all, there's a reason sub-mariners go out on pigboats...
--
From the one-and-only Holy Moses®

In ,
Sarah Hotdesking radiated
into the WorldWideWait:
"Tank Fixer" wrote in message
k.net...
In article ,
on Sat, 28 Feb 2004 18:11:26 -0000,
Sarah Hotdesking
attempted to say .....

"Jim Watt" wrote

Are Harriers equipped with sirens?

No - they are an ill-advised experiment in using water nymphs.

Only on the Sea Harriers.

Which is a type of submarine, right? We're getting into mermaids
now (yes, I know, there are probably quite a few of you who
wouldn't mind getting into mermaids if you could only work out how

Heh. Ahem. It's a myth that the fish-part starts at the *navel*... Why
did you think so many of us put in a career at sea?
--
From the one-and-only Holy Moses®

"Phil Miller" wrote in message
...

...and this one's from rec.aviation.military too.

On Fri, 27 Feb 2004 11:18:04 -0800, "Jim E"
wrote:


I have it on fair authority that current research in the field of inertia
free propulsion has shown great promise through the use of properly
modified
felines.
As I understand it, jelly (flavor not specified) is spread evenly over
the
felines back.
When the creature is tossed lightly into the air, the third
law of universal fate dictates that it land jelly side down.
However this does not occur due to the intervention of the feline landing
axiom (feet first).
The above conflicting forces result in a stable hover.
The subject felines have demonstrated the ability to control their own
velocity at will.
The only loose ends delaying the full commercialization of this process
is
the matter of persuading the felines to:
a. work in teams.
b. not lick off the jelly.
c. follow a flight plan.
As there seems to be a deficiency in feline herding instincts, any
suggestions would be appreciated by the parties involved.


This is well-documented at http://members.aol.com/moggycat/purrpetual.htm

THE THEORY OF PURRPETUAL MOTION

Question: if you buttered the back of a cat, which way down would it land?

Law 1: The Laws of Butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground.

Law 2: The equally strict Laws of Feline Aerodynamics demand that the cat
cannot smash its furry back - it must land on its feet.

If the combined constructed of cat + butter were to land, nature would have
no way to resolve this paradox (or purradox). Therefore it cannot fall.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast
is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then
dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches
above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form
the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered
side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with
Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter
the cats.

Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter,
there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p = s * t(t)/t?



'p' is the probability of carpet impact,

's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of
the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s
value of water is zero.

t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p
being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet
and topping, as even Chicken Tikka Masala won't cause a permanent and
obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you
use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives
a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on
its feet.

Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala on its back will be certain to
hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the
toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in
nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims
in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party
was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue
research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public
sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a
monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a
rail made from white shag pile carpet.

In essence, you have discovered the secret of antigravity. A buttered cat
will, when released, quickly move to a to a height where the forces of
cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point
can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or
removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

It has been theorized by some researchers that most of the civilized species
of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within
a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in
fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The most obvious danger of
feline antigravity propulsion is that lithe cats may manage to lick the
butter off their backs. They will then instantly plummet. Of course the cats
will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since
right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot
starship and ****ed off aliens crash on top of them. This suggests that
aliens have not yet discovered tikka masala sauce and that some researchers
really should stop watching Star Trek.

We must also consider the application of Murphy's Laws to this theory.
Murphy's Laws are also known as Sod's Law or the Law of
Perversity/Cussedness. In its simplest form, it states:

"Anything which can go wrong will go wrong"

Here are some of the more likely outcomes of the application of Murphy's Law
into Butterology/Feline Aerodynamics in an experiment involving a "cat +
buttered bread" scenario. We leave the Application of Murphy's Law to "cat +
tikka masala sauce" scenarios as a theoretical exercise for the reader.

As soon as you release said feline from a suitably high place, the strap
used to tie the bread to the back of the cat will break, thus nullifying the
bond between the bread and the feline. You may attempt to defy this by
applying the butter directly to the cat's fur, in which case the cat will
lick off part of your carefully calculated quantity of butter (i.e. that
amount which holds the cat-butter assemblage in equilibrium)

In either case, a very cross cat will land on its feet, claws extended, upon
a lawyer's brand new soft-top car - scratching the top to shreds if it is
raised or depositing copious amounts of fear-induced feline excrement on the
driver's seat if the top is lowered.

Meanwhile, the liberated piece of buttered bread will fall buttered side
down, landing on the toupee of the only newspaper reporter foolhardy enough
to cover this misguided experiment, resulting in a reference to you in the
Weekly World News (or New Scientist), in which your name will appear
adjacent to the phrase phrase "foolish quack".

At the same time, a concerned passer-by will report your experiment to the
PETA, your country's main SPCA, anti-animal-experimentation groups etc etc,
leading to your arrest, trial and conviction upon charges of animal abuse.
Following headlines of "Cat-throwing scientist on cruelty charges" you will
spend a couple of years answering to the name "Cindy" chosen by your
love-starved cellmate "Butch". You will be banned from ever keeping animals
and banned from the dairy products section of all major supermarkets.

Addendum:

The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the
equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot smash
its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no
way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. You have
discovered the secret of antigravity!

A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the
forces of cat and butter are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be
modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing
some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred buttered
tabbies.

--
Sarah H
http://www.messybeast.com
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm
Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century

--
Sarah H
http://www.messybeast.com
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm
Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century

"Duke of URL" macbenahATkdsiDOTnet wrote in message ...
In ,
Sarah Hotdesking radiated
into the WorldWideWait:
"Tank Fixer" wrote in message
k.net...
In article ,
on Sat, 28 Feb 2004 18:11:26 -0000,
Sarah Hotdesking
attempted to say .....

"Jim Watt" wrote

Are Harriers equipped with sirens?

No - they are an ill-advised experiment in using water nymphs.

Only on the Sea Harriers.

Which is a type of submarine, right? We're getting into mermaids
now (yes, I know, there are probably quite a few of you who
wouldn't mind getting into mermaids if you could only work out how

Heh. Ahem. It's a myth that the fish-part starts at the *navel*... Why
did you think so many of us put in a career at sea?

http://www.webcoast.com/environment/manatees.htm
It has been stated elsewhere that sailors thought manatees were
mermaids. It certainly wasn't the looks, maybe the breath.

"Duke of URL" macbenahATkdsiDOTnet wrote in message ...
In ,
Sarah Hotdesking radiated
into the WorldWideWait:
"Tank Fixer" wrote in message
k.net...
In article ,
on Sat, 28 Feb 2004 18:11:26 -0000,
Sarah Hotdesking
attempted to say .....

"Jim Watt" wrote

Are Harriers equipped with sirens?

No - they are an ill-advised experiment in using water nymphs.

Only on the Sea Harriers.

Which is a type of submarine, right? We're getting into mermaids
now (yes, I know, there are probably quite a few of you who
wouldn't mind getting into mermaids if you could only work out how

Heh. Ahem. It's a myth that the fish-part starts at the *navel*... Why
did you think so many of us put in a career at sea?

And we're not going to mention navel stokers we're not :-)

In om,
George radiated into the WorldWideWait:

"Duke of URL" macbenahATkdsiDOTnet wrote in message
...
In ,
Sarah Hotdesking
radiated into the WorldWideWait:
"Tank Fixer" wrote in message
k.net...
In article ,
on Sat, 28 Feb 2004 18:11:26 -0000,
Sarah Hotdesking
attempted to say .....

"Jim Watt" wrote

Are Harriers equipped with sirens?

No - they are an ill-advised experiment in using water nymphs.

Only on the Sea Harriers.

Which is a type of submarine, right? We're getting into mermaids
now (yes, I know, there are probably quite a few of you who
wouldn't mind getting into mermaids if you could only work out how

Heh. Ahem. It's a myth that the fish-part starts at the *navel*...
Why did you think so many of us put in a career at sea?

And we're not going to mention navel stokers we're not :-)

No, certainly not.
--
From the one-and-only Holy Moses®

In ,
Sarah Hotdesking radiated
into the WorldWideWait:

WTH is Chicken Tikka Masala? Is that anything like Buffalo Wings?
--
From the one-and-only Holy Moses®