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How Aircraft Stay In The Air
I received this today:-
There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in unbounded conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model. In fact the use of Lift Demons on civil aircraft programmes is generally not that good an idea. The Demon binding contract tends to specify payment in blood or souls. This is readily achievable with aircraft of military function, but frowned upon in civilian circles as they may attempt to acquire payment outside of the terms of their binding contract. Lift Demons are not used on Elf bombers. We don't talk about Lift Pixies too often as it seems to upset the self-loading cargo. Pixies require payment in cakes, flowers or nice thoughts. These are readily sourced either from the in-flight catering, or provided cost-free by the passengers. Clearly this would not work well within an operational military environment. Air force cooking is not renowned for the "light and fluffy texture" that Thrust Pixies demand, the availability of flowers might be problematic in desert operations, and nice thoughts may also be hard to find during times of active operations. There is also a scalability issue. While one rampant Lift Demon would have few problems supporting a fighter aircraft (particularly if there is an immediate prospect of blood), it'll struggle to achieve level controlled flight of a 560tonne Airbus A380. Use of more than one Lift Demon on the same flight vehicle is contra-indicated (they squabble and eat each other). Communities of Thrust Pixies can be encouraged to work together on the same aircraft by the provision of advanced technologies such as Lemon fondant icing, variegated tulips or in-flight romantic comedies. Ryanair once requested Leprachauns be installed in place of Lift Pixies, but leprechauns have a mission statement which indicates their desire for monetary gain, and their willingness to search all over the world for it. This makes Lift Leprechauns expensive to keep (gold vs lemon fondant icing), and makes it difficult to establish a regular route network as the Lift Leprechauns don't like to continuously visit the same locations. By law, aircraft also have to have a full complement of In-Flight Gremlins, but these are generally not a problem unless you feed the Wingtip Vortex Faeries after midnight. -- Sarah H http://www.messybeast.com http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century |
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