Diner and drinks

Read this a long time ago but it came around again )

BJ
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My New Pilots License


Federal Aviation Agency, Washington, D.C.

Gentlemen:

I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that
occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice
FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't
need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my
full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though,
after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was
shaking.

Anyway, here is what happened:

The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed, but
on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and
visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another
exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud
of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me
since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I
knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful
charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the
weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis
that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I
already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were
only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that
it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local
operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-3 Cub, was
down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a
friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane,
which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly.
I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have
a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh
yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't
want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get
the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's
ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles
and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified
this in the J-3 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight
plan, and those people were so nice.

When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to
go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These
fellows deserve a lot of credit. They told me a lot of other things
too, but everybody has problems with red tape.

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just
the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told
me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly
since I knew where I was going.

There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden,
a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a
racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those
professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few
little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway
435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the
town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up
into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that
it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to
do, I realized.

My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the
mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime
and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be
forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't
much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a
pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my
shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am
told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was
standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my
neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead with sort of a glassy
look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of heights like all
non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it
kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were
going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that
computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came
down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except
mountains.

These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal
conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't
trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were
even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of lightning. I
decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way
it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep,
having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him
up.

Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It
really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew
right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other
engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines
is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready
to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look
into this.

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was
apparent t hat I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in
such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was
pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning
flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read
road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the
road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying
being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew
right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late
for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air
Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a
lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we
were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these
military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it
but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard.

These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like
to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently they were expecting somebody to
come in and land because they kept talking about some stupid dink up
in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out
of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of
people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they
had never seen an Aztec C before.

One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad
about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that
I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up
there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking
problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather
really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't
make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he
must have the flu, or something.

Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license
airmail, special delivery.

Your friend


xxxx (Name withheld to protect the innocent)